David's Story
Navigating Dementia Care: A Son's Journey with His Mother's Diagnosis and Memory Care
Hi. My name is David Wong. I grew up in San Francisco, and I'm of Chinese ethnicity. It's my mom. She's 95 this year, and she probably had signs of dementia a while back.Me not being a great son. Couldn't observe it. I just thought she was just being old and long winded, just like repeating herself. And it was until, I think early, 2018, you know, I started saying, okay, Mom, you can't live on your own anymore. So we saw signs of it. And originally we were just getting here and just assisted living, and then we went to a place and they said, Hey, your mom's got dementia. And that was the first time I heard about the D word. It's like, okay, what's dementia? Didn't know it, but they said I needed to get memory care for my mom. And that began a new journey to look for memory care. You know, you always kind of feel bad. You want them to have their same quality of life, but you want them to be safe. So for my mom, it was a few month journey.
It started with medication. She would say, you know, buy me Medicaid refill, I'm out of my medication. So I got the medication. I filled it in a box, put the dates on it, got a big clock on the wall that says one to 30, and then got her a box that I labeled from one to 30, I filled it, and then one time, 10 days later, the whole box was gone. It's like, Mom, where's your box? Because I wanted to check to see what she was doing. Oh, I finished it off. I said, 31 days of medication. You finished it in 10. And it says, well, where's my box? Oh, I threw that away, okay? And that's when I talked to my doctor. I said, Yeah, I'm not going to give my mom blood pressure medication anymore because she can't control it, and it's going to become a risk. And then you started seeing certain things that she was doing that, you know, she was like, I would say, a pack rat. It's like, Mom, how many rolls of toilet paper do you need? And this was before COVID.
So, you know, after COVID, maybe I can understand, but those before COVID, and, you know, just like everything, just loads and loads. And I think she would just forget what she bought. And then we got her diagnosed. And then, since November, 2018 she's been living in an assisted living facility run by on lock in San Francisco. It's called autumn glow. They have they specialize in memory care, and it's just 15 residents, 13 caregivers. They would all work there full time, but you know, 13 people that are associated with supporting the elderly there, I became more patient because it was, it wasn't she just wanted to repeat herself.
She couldn't control it, you know, I would before I would try to correct her. I said, Mom, I just told you that five minutes ago. I just told you that five minutes ago. And then I would just, you know, play along with her story. So it's probably more accepting of the things she was saying and just saying it, you know, she's not doing it to annoy me. It's something she can't control, you know, like, you know, recently, you know, that's five, six years, and I think it's gotten progressively worse early on. You know, she had dementia. And you know, they were still doing some activities with the elderly. They were doing, you know, the Chinese Domino's game Maja, not for money, but just for fun. And you could see her mind really slowing down. I could see it in just the way she was playing. And then after COVID, they stopped doing that, and so she wasn't even using her brain anymore. She was just sitting, just watching very passive things like that. So, you know, it's more accepting.
It's like, recently she told me, you know, you should finish school, get a job, get a girlfriend, get married. It's like, Mom, yes, you know, originally I said, yeah, yeah, I have a wife. I have kids. They're 30 and and, you know, she would say, Oh, you do okay. Then five minutes later, she would repeat. And finally, I just said, Okay, I'm, you know, after I finished my visit with you, I'm going to take an airplane go to Hong Kong and get married, and we'll get you some grandkids.
So it's, you know, it's in the past, it would not have been that type of I would just sorry, Mom, I just told you, I guess I never guess I got married. What do you mean? You were at the wedding, you know? So it's, it's a very different thing. Your mindset is different. You become more accepting of the fact of, that's the way she is. So you, you play along with it, you know, whatever she says, okay, yeah, we'll do it. I wanted. Her to have her independence, so I walk, I walked across the street watching her go back to her apartment, and then she had a look of loss. But, you know, a couple times I had to go to Kaiser with her, and it's like, and, you know, right now, and this was about a year ago, she she wasn't very mobile anymore, and I just put her in a wheelchair every time we went, because I didn't want her falling because that, to me, was the greatest risk for her. And you know, to me, it was just the the gender difference, and it's like, okay, Mom, we're gonna go the bathroom. Okay, I gotta make sure you don't fall in the toilet. So I had to go in with her. So, you know, it's, it's uncomfortable, but you know, if it was a father, then, yeah, it's easier. So I think that was the difficult part of it, and me just not being a very, you know, and then I'm a germaphobe, so it's like, I gotta wipe down the whole toilet for her, wipe down everything, and it's okay. This is, this is not a good so it, you know, that was stressful.
But you know, I think, you know, I'm Christian, and I have a belief that God gave me as much as I can handle. And we were very, very fortunate, because the first place I tried to sign her up for, it was a really nice place in San Jose. It was a converted Embassy Suites Hotel. Every room was pretty good size, and it had its own bathroom. It was all accessible, and there's like 7080 residents there. And their main canteen was like a restaurant, but it wasn't a restaurant. You go down, you order your food, and then there was activity. I said, Yeah, my mom's gonna like this. Then they told me, I'm sorry, we can't admit your mom, your mom needs memory care. And then it's like, okay, memory care. What's that? And then, you know, fortunately, after they told me, you know, because I was getting ready to get her into the place, I got all the labels of her clothing, got her the stuff that they had requested, filled out all the paperwork, and they said, No, we can't let your mom in because she needs memory care. And laid them off for it. So fortunately, I went back to the internet and searched around, searched around, and I found this perfect program for my mom. It was, you know, small Asian memory care, only Chinese food. Spoke Chinese and, you know, the funny thing was, her roommate was someone that she actually knew or met about 20 some odd years ago, so they knew each other. It's like, okay, I think research is always good. It's defined. Is that it, you know, at this point, I don't think there's a cure for it. You can slow it down, but I think it's, it's the the research isn't just for the patient, but it's also for the family, having them understand and appreciate and I understand the resources, you know, I feel very, very lucky, you know, I'm just going through looking at things. Oh, this place, memory here, Chinese Cantonese, Chinese food. Yes, this is the one we go for. But not everyone has that opportunity. And, you know, fortunately for me, this was a nonprofit. So, you know, money isn't their main goal. And in life.
It's like, recently she told me, you know, you should finish school, get a job, get a girlfriend, get married. It's like, Mom, yes, you know, originally I said, yeah, yeah, I have a wife. I have kids. They're 30 and and, you know, she would say, Oh, you do okay. Then five minutes later, she would repeat. And finally, I just said, Okay, I'm, you know, after I finished my visit with you, I'm going to take an airplane go to Hong Kong and get married, and we'll get you some grandkids.
It's part of the online Senior Center things. And I think that is geared toward the Asians, because I think in different cultures, maybe the more Western, they understand assisted living, because Chinese it's always don't waste money, too much money, don't waste money, don't waste money. Not even my mom. I remember when we first moved her there, you know, I had to lie to her. I said, Yeah, we're paying 200 bucks a month. It's not 200 bucks a month, but yeah, we're paying 200 bucks a month. And you know, the caregivers had to lie with me. So it's like, yeah, we had to convince her, because that was going to be a big part of it. If I told her what the cost was, she would say no, because she didn't understand what her situation was. And there's this stage of her life you're not going to be able to explain it. You know, research understanding. I think the language skills are important, and I think the land language skills become a challenge for the patient and the family, because the patient may understand Chinese, the family may or may not, depending on their situation, and being able to get that communication gap so that people understand earlier and understand this concept. You know, for me, I was very, very fortunate.
